Hi there

Meet the new hair. Yuh huh, it's actually that color. I don't know who the random man ass behind me belongs to. Oddly, that happens to me more frequently than one might think. I'll look into it. The happening, not the man ass. Oh, stop.

If you live somewhere with actual seasons you may want to look away

Good morning.

I got up at 6am, as usual, only to discover that the children's school is opening late (2 hour delay) due to - and I'm not kidding here - anticipated inclement weather.

I have not been to any grocery store in the last 24 hours, but I would wager that every single one of them is out of bread, milk, and eggs.

It is always bread, milk, and eggs.

During my first winter in Columbia, I witnessed a hoard of senior citizens actually fist fighting over a loaf of bread. Chunks of velour and shredded appliqués flying through the air, it was horrible and terrible and utterly entrancing. All I could do was stand there, bug-eyed and slack jawed, wondering what in the bloody hell kind of poor planning would drive an evil mastermind to decide on Columbia, South Carolina, of all places. So maybe not a mastermind... but it could be the local news team and their Super Mega Quadruple Superior Incredo Doppler?! Where the rest of us might simply see the well-coiffed and lip-glossed newscaster delivery of any sort of winter weather being on its way, every other person in the greater Columbia area over the age of 50 receives a some kind of super-secret economy-boosting word-with-hyphens(!) tv mindwave beamed directly to the centers of their nervous systems?

I can't be sure. I'm still in my thirties. All I know is what I see, and what I saw, and what I seesaw iswas that these people rise up from their comfortable easy chairs, they hop up off of that gardening knee-pad, they put down that plate of okra and fried bologna, they leave their homes and their bingo games and they swarm the nearest grocery store. If that grocery store has already fallen, they move on to the next, and if that store has fallen, they move on yet again. No grocery store is safe. These people will brave every hardship, face any weather, drive over animals and children and monster-truck right on over any auto smaller than their Cadillac to get those three staples which will most assuredly get them through any anticipated inclement weather.

Once these food ideals are in their possessions they will go home and they will stay there. Half an inch of snow on the shoulder of the dry road and the city becomes a veritable ghost town.

You'll drive four miles in freezing rain to get bread, milk, and eggs, but it's too dangerous to drive next to snow? Yes, with bread, milk, and eggs, we can do anything... that is, until the power goes out and 2/3 of our prizes begin to rot.

Until then, though, we can do anything!

Because I'm ever-helpful

I shall inform the lot of you that it is supposed to be 78° Fahrenheit today. I kind of want to bitch about this, all "it's fucking January, you bastards", but I can't really bring myself to do it. Because even though my sense of seasonal propriety is affronted, more than that I hate being cold and I am a miserable whiny bitch when I have to endure temperatures less than, say, 65°.

I bet Justin shows up wearing shorts today.

Locks of Love

CJ shows off his donation. Click to view the set.

Today may be the day

I knew the day would come.

After growing it for the majority of two years, CJ seems to be ready to cut and donate his hair.

Sniffle. I'm brimming with love, sadness, and chest-popping pride. And that's pretty much the definition of motherhood, right there.

I always forget

...how much I love Natalie Dee. And then when I remember I'm all "yay!" because there's like a year's worth of new-to-me comics. It rules.

White chicks and gang signs

Thanks, Justin!

It is that time of year again

You know what today is?

Well do you? Punk?

Today is the day that beanmom joined the human race, lo those many (many) years ago. This is a day of great importance, and one that must be celebrated heartily, and with much eggnog.

...You're out of eggnog?

Are you some kind of monster?!

Sigh.

Okay. Just go buy her a birthday present, instead.

Attention please

Let it be known: Now and forever and ever (amen), beautiful flaky buttery croissants dipped in lusciously smooth flowing warm dark chocolate shall be made available to me at all times!

Proclamation exclamation!

And that's all I have to say about that.

Five years ago

I wrote this list of 100 things five years ago. I thought it might be interesting to cross out the items that no longer apply:

1. My father and the doctor were reading Playboy while my mother was giving birth to me
2. I very nearly did not survive my infancy, I was born with a rare blood disorder.
3. As a child I tested as having an obscenely high IQ.
4. I had braces.
5. I'm a slob.
6. I'd rather play Tetris or Solitaire than, say, Quake.
7. There is a bot in Quake 3: Arena named after me.
8. I met my husband in a game of shareware Quake. He impressed me with the size of his shotgun. Ex husband.
9. I am 8 years younger than he is.
10. I can roll my tongue, fold it, and tie a cherry stem in a knot with it.
11. I get carsick in the back seat.
12. My first child was a surprise. I was on the pill.
13. My second child was carefully planned.
14. I used the Shettles method to choose the sex of my baby.
15. I won a playground breakdancing contest in 4th grade.
16. I cheated on a math test that same year and didn't get in trouble because my teacher was a childhood friend of my uncle's.
17. I experimented with recreational drugs as a young adult and hated every single experience.
18. I almost married someone else.
19. I fell in love with him in a tent in the wilderness over a bottle of Jack Daniels.
20. He was dating my girlfriend at the time.
21. I've practiced Catholicism, Christianity, Wicca, Paganism.
22. I finally settled happily into Unitarian Universalism.
23. I am bitchy.
24. I love to cook, but I make a huge mess doing so.
25. I'm a rotten housekeeper.
26. I can't decide if I want to have another baby.
27. If I get pregnant again someday we are having a homebirth.
28. I refuse to negotiate on that subject.
29. I loathe conflict, but I fight like a dog.
30. I miss living in Oregon.
31. I was more or less living alone at 16.
32. I was supporting myself at 17.
33. I worked at Subway to do so and can barely stand to eat there now.
34. I am double jointed.
35. I crack my knuckles.
36. I secretly long for a nose job.
37. I skipped my high school graduation ceremony.
38. I went to California instead.
39. I boycott Nestle.
40. I could survive entirely on Papa John's pizza.
41. I am strongly drawn to space.
42. Astronomy Picture of the Day is one of my favorite websites.
43. Inside I feel like I'm still about 12 years old.
44. I'm breastfeeding as I type this.
45. I love being creative.
46. I bake really good bread.
47. My hair is turning gray.
48. I don't mind, and actually think it is kind of cool.
49. I stopped shaving.
50. I used to shave my arms.
51. I wear CoCo by Chanel.
52. As a teenager I had a major fixation on Marilyn Monroe.
53. I read Gone With the Wind in one single day.
54. Sometimes I wonder if I'm mentally ill.
55. I chose my internet nickname out of a dictionary, and replaced the "i" with a "y".
56. I was called "Bug" by everyone until I was a teenager.
57. Some people still call me "Bug".
58. I used to be late to grade school because I would stop and rescue caterpillars from the road.
59. I developed a very intricate story in my mind and still think about it and expand it occasionally.
60. I love animals, if someone else takes care of them.
61. I performed in a handful of stage plays, but always had smaller rolls while understudying the big ones.
62. I'm a shameless flirt.
63. I develop crushes whenever the wind changes.
64. I'm going to get a tattoo this summer. Did it in January.
65. On the back of my neck. Yep.
66. I'll ask Paul Steed to design it, if I can track him down.
67. I adore Stephen King.
68. I want a minivan.
69. I co-sleep with my kids.
70. My husband sleeps on a futon.
71. It works out fine for us.
72. I am terrified of spiders.
73. I have really really accurate gaydar.
74. Huey Lewis kissed me on the cheek.
75. I asked Jerry Garcia if he had a baby in his tummy.
76. I'm mildly psychic.
77. I have boundless knowledge of trivial things.
78. I can't remember important tasks or dates without writing them down.
79. I paint my toenails. Usually purple or blue, right now they are blood red.
80. I can't sing.
81. I do it anyway.
82. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
83. I hate being predictable.
84. I lost my virginity at 15.
85. Homecoming night.
86. I like to wear toe rings.
87. I have terrible self-esteem.
88. My favorite meal is spinach quiche and pulpy orange juice.
89. I am a homebody at heart.
90. I love the way my babies' breath smells in the morning.
91. I'm late getting the kids and myself ready for school/work because of this list
92. I have a major dental phobia.
93. What I really want to do is direct.
94. Rufus Wainwright makes me swoon.
95. I'm always really attracted to gay men.
96. I once stood on a table and sang "I'm a little Teapot".
97. Drunk.
98. Topless.
99. Someday I'm going to write a book.
100. Cinnamon Altoids are my favorite food.